EP 95: I Was Addicted to Chaos (And I Didn’t Even Know It)
For most of my life, I thrived in chaos.
Unpredictable environments.
Intense personalities.
High-stakes pressure.
Unreasonable expectations.
It didn’t rattle me because I could hold it all.
In fact, I was the one people counted on to stay calm in the middle of the storm.
But what I didn’t understand back then was why I was so good at it.
I thought it was a superpower.
Turns out, it was survival mode.
Growing up, I never knew what version of my dad was going to walk through the door.
Would he be silent? Explosive? Drunk?
I became an expert at reading the room, managing moods, and staying two steps ahead to protect myself and my sisters.
Calm environments felt foreign to me.
I was only at ease when things were on edge.
No one teaches you that when you grow up in instability, your nervous system starts to crave the chaos.
Because it’s familiar.
Because it’s predictable, in its own dysfunctional way.
When I was 19, I entered my first serious relationship with someone emotionally volatile.
At first, it felt familiar. Then it turned abusive.
But I stayed.
Because I knew how to navigate volatility.
I knew how to calm him down.
I thought that meant I was strong.
Later, I chose acting as a career.
Which meant constant rejection. Intensity. Instability.
I once worked with an award-winning director who screamed at me in front of the entire crew.
Asked the client why they had hired me.
All because I didn’t read his mind.
Despite not receiving any direction, I still nailed the scene.
Stayed composed.
People said, “You’re so professional.”
But inside? I had completely left my body.
Even the city I lived in—Los Angeles—reflected that energy.
Twenty years of sirens, traffic, and overstimulation.
It kept me on edge in a way that felt… weirdly safe.
And I didn’t question it.
Because chaos felt normal.
Predictable, even.
In its own twisted way.
So when I unexpectedly moved to a quiet rural mountain town outside of Palm Springs, where there are no stoplights, no Postmates, no Amazon next-day delivery, I thought I might actually lose my mind.
The stillness was jarring.
My brain panicked.
I remember walking around my quiet kitchen in the early morning, waiting for the tension to rise...
Waiting for something to go wrong.
Waiting to hear my neighbors yelling, or something to fall apart.
My body kept asking:
“Where’s the adrenaline?”
“Where’s the urgency?”
“Where’s the next fire to put out?”
That’s how much my nervous system had learned to survive on chaos.
But slowly… something shifted.
With breathwork, nervous system regulation, spending time in nature and deep somatic healing…I started teaching my body a different rhythm.
I stopped waking up already bracing for the day.
I let my system unwind.
I discovered that calm wasn’t boring.
It was healing.
And the best part?
My business didn’t crumble.
My creativity didn’t dry up.
My purpose didn’t disappear.
In fact, I’ve done some of my best, most grounded work here.
I’m no longer addicted to chaos.
I’m not calm because I’m dissociating.
I’m calm because I’m finally safe.
I see this pattern in so many of my clients, too before we start working together.
They’re brilliant, successful, their lives are something most would envy.
But behind the scenes, they keep attracting relationships or careers that mirror the instability they grew up with.
They think they’re strong for being able to handle it all.
And they are strong.
But they’re also exhausted.
They feel like imposters.
They struggle to truly love themselves.
That used to be me.
And if it’s you right now?
Let me say this clearly:
It’s not your fault.
But it is your time.
Your nervous system doesn’t have to keep chasing the chaos to feel alive.
It's safe to experience a different way of being.
One where peace doesn’t feel scary.
Where rest doesn’t feel wrong.
Where your success doesn’t come at the cost of your body.
That’s the work I do with my clients.
And it’s exactly why I created The Summer Reset.
✨ 3 private healing + coaching sessions over 2 months
✨ Space to unwind, move energy, and come home to your body
✨ Personalized support using breathwork, intuitive coaching, and nervous system repair
If you’re ready to soften, exhale, and finally feel steady—this is your invitation.👉 Click here to learn more or book your Summer Reset
And before you go, I’d love to know:
Have you ever felt like chaos was your comfort zone?
What’s helped you start to soften?
You can leave a comment, or just take a breath and let this land.
xo Ana