EP 97: Why the Same Hurt Kept Following Me (and How I Finally Broke Free)
Before I started therapy, I was deeply stuck in victim mode.
If something bad happened, it was because of someone else — their choices, their behavior, their lack of care.
If I was disappointed, it was because they didn’t show up the way I needed them to.
If I was hurt, it was because of what they said or didn’t say.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but thinking this way quietly put all the power in someone else’s hands.
It made it seem like I had no say in my own life.
And it showed up everywhere.
Like my first job after college working for a publicist in Los Angeles.
He micromanaged everything I did — down to opening the envelopes I had just sealed to make sure the paper inside was folded exactly the way he wanted.
I stayed. I smiled. I kept performing, even when I felt small inside.
Or the Hollywood director who screamed at me in front of the entire crew — not because I’d done something wrong, but because I hadn’t read his mind and done it exactly the way he imagined.
The pattern was the same:
Work harder. Prove myself. Silently resent how I was being treated.
It wasn’t until I started tracing these moments back that I could see where the pattern began.
In my childhood home, my dad’s drinking cast a long shadow.
Even with our pleas — even with my mom threatening to leave — he never stopped.
And as a little girl, I decided that meant I wasn’t enough for him to choose us over alcohol.
That my worth was tied to what someone else was willing (or unwilling) to give.
At the same time, my mom — loving but controlling — made it clear that saying “no” was not an option.
If my parents asked, I had to say yes.
If they needed me, I showed up no matter what it cost me.
That was “love” in my family: giving without limit, even when it hurt.
There’s actually a reason this pattern is so hard to break and it’s not because you’re weak or broken. When love, safety, or approval feel conditional as a child, your brain and nervous system adapt. They wire themselves around whatever keeps you “safe,” even if that safety means saying yes when you mean no, over-delivering at work, or avoiding conflict at all costs.
It’s why decades later, a controlling boss or dismissive partner can trigger the exact same hurt and powerlessness you felt as a child.
Your body doesn’t distinguish between “then” and “now” — it just remembers the pattern.
So of course I grew up believing that if someone disrespected me, undervalued me, or ignored my needs, my only choice was to keep giving until they finally saw my worth.
I saw this same pattern play out with a new client in her first session together.
She came in completely drained by her job.
“Management has let me down,” she said, her voice heavy.
She was angry about the lack of respect, the toxic environment, the way her work went unacknowledged. And she desperately wanted an apology.
I asked her, “Where else in your life have you felt this way?”
She paused, then said, “My whole family dynamic.”
That awareness was the key.
Because once you see that the pain you’re carrying now is connected to something much older, you can stop replaying the same story.
In our session, we invited her inner child into the conversation.
We validated her feelings.
We explained the current situation in a way that made her feel safe and showed her that she did have power and choice.
Then I guided her into breathwork to help her regulate her nervous system and process emotions that had been looping for years.
By the end of her first session, she looked at me and said:
“I can’t believe how much we got done in 60 minutes. I feel like a new me.”
And when she thought about her job? She felt… neutral.
Sometimes, the shift isn’t about changing the outer circumstances right away.
It’s about changing the inner pattern that keeps recreating them.
If you’re tired of feeling like your worth is decided by someone else — I want you to know there’s another way.
One where your yes is yours to give.
And your power is yours to keep.
xo,
Ana